Dating is hard anywhere. Why is dating hard for foreign women in Japan? Throw in a new culture, language, and country and BAM. You’ve got a recipe for confusion. In my experience, dating in Japan is hard. Don’t get me wrong, I’m definitely attracted to Japanese guys! I think they’ve got great hair and eyes, and their culture is fascinating. I think I just wasn’t meeting the right guys because I ended up meeting a lot of toads. I think during my short time here, I would have loved to date a Japanese guy and see his country through his eyes. Unfortunately for me, it wasn’t possible.
I read a post called Life and Love in Japan According to YouTube by one of my favorite Korea bloggers, Western Girl Eastern Boy. Her blog focuses on keeping it real (which I love) and the realities of life, love and dating in South Korea based on her experiences. The author of the post wrote about how many people took to YouTube to vent about their failed relationships with Japanese. To be honest, I know a lot of women who feel downright ugly in Japan and leave because dating is so miserable. They return to their own country where they have a chance at love and I don’t blame them.
In Japan, no matter how good your Japanese is, how many Japanese friends you have, or how well you speak the language, you will always be the foreigner. There’s a teacher at my school who is half Belgian and half Okinawan. He speaks perfect Japanese and English, and despite being very Japanese at heart, my coworkers still think of him as gaijin. Although the connotation has changed through the years for a less distasteful meaning, it means what it means. You are the gaijin, they are Japanese. You are the outsider. They are not.
I’ve had people disagree with me about dating being a game. That’s fine, you’re entitled to your opinions. Every country has a dating game. They have their own rules, social cues, and expectations. Japan’s are a little bit different. I’m not an expert, but I think almost three years of observation has me qualified to know some things.
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- My Experience As A Foreign Woman Dating in Japan
1. Subtlty
I’m not a mind reader or maybe I’m just dense, although dense seems to be the better of the descriptors for what I’m about to say. Group dating is more comfortable in Japan and Japanese men will approach you subtly. I feel super uncomfortable on group dates because a date should be in between me and the person I like and not shared with a bunch of people. After spending time with the person, a love confession means they want to date you. They send subtle signs like frequent texts or heart emojis. I.just.don’t.get.it. Is he sending this emoji because it’s common and cute or because he likes me?
2. The Collector
You know him, everybody knows him. He’s the in the know guy, the one who speaks great English and is surrounded by foreign friends. He’ll approach you easily and you have great conversation with him. Beware this type of man because he’s looking to add a new nationality to his “collection.” If you’re down for a good time, I’m sure he’s got some tricks up his sleeve, but other than that, not boyfriend material. He’ll leave you as soon as he sets his eyes on a new catch.
3. Free English Lessons
A couple months ago, I was looking for windshield wiper fluid at a Yellow Hat auto shop. Because I’m technology and car retarded, I asked one of the mechanics there for help. He put the fluid in my car and asked if I spoke English. He told me he was going to study abroad in Texas and asked me out to dinner. (Mind you this was all in Japanese.) I thanked him for his offer, and made an excuse saying I was busy. I’m not here for free English lessons. If he wanted to get to know because he thought I was interesting, I might have reconsidered. Since he didn’t bother to try to get to know me, I wasn’t going to bother with him either.
4. Real Life is not like the Mangas or Animes
Many people can get the wrong impression of Japan based on the entertainment. Sometimes Japanese manga and anime is a projection of unrealistic wishes. In shoujo manga, the boy is handsome, tall, and assertive to the girl he wants. She’s shy, petite, feminine and in my opinion, a bump on a log. Don’t know what I’m talking about? Do these titles ring a bell? Watashini xx Shinasai, Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicles, Vampire Knight (main character was in love with her brother…gross) and Ouron High School Club to name a few.
Real life is nothing like what you see in a book or cartoon. Having the pleasure of working with high school students, I have many female students who are strong, open minded, and willing to learn about different cultures and the world. Knowing what I do about Japanese culture, this strong male character doesn’t work. Why? Japanese don’t like conflict and approaching someone can be scary especially outside their social group. Most high school boys are not fully grown and are still kind of short. For the most part, my students are really into sports, academics, video games, or trolling American Village. Don’t get me wrong. Yes, they do date. Yes, they do have their high school crushes and sweethearts (I know because they tell me in English and Japanese), but the girls are much more outgoing than the boys!
Manga is more of a projection of the inner wishes of many women. Aka assertive men. What I learned in Japan: don’t expect Japanese men to approach you because they won’t. You’ll make much more progress approaching them.
5. You are the X Box achievement level
Texan in Tokyo hit the nail on the head. Whenever she is asked by Japanese male friends to set them up with a Western female, they always say, “Do you have any American friends you can introduce me to?”
What they’re really saying is, “Can you please introduce me to a white, very attractive, skinny, fashionable American woman who I can meet up with once, and then use the photos to make my coworkers jealous?”
They don’t really mean, “I’m interested in learning about a new culture, and languages and broadening my horizons. Can you help me?”
She claims that a lot of her friends don’t pass the standards these salary men have solely on looks. Whenever she does find someone who “fits the bill”, they do a nomikai (all you can drink), exchange numbers, sleep with them, and never bother calling them back. They just want the American experience. All it does is leave a bad taste in your mouth, discouragement and a trail of broken hearts. To read the full post. click here.
6. The Japanese have a tough time meeting and connecting with others, so why shouldn’t you?
This is really sad, but a lot of my coworkers in their 30s look great, are smart, independent and beautiful women but are still not married. Meeting guys is hard for them. Why wouldn’t it be hard for western women? Why would there be a need for a rent a friend, if it was easy to make friends in Japan?
The blogger behind This Japanese Life writes a well informed and intriguing article “On Friendships in Japan.” Friendships are forged through formalities and to make friends, you’re introduced to other people. Making new friends requires a numerous amount of effort. Relationships, especially platonic work ones can be described as quaint and peaceful. Giving someone too much information about yourself gives them the power and in Japan, it’s best not to say anything at all.
Most friendships here are very surface level and that’s fine, but I would like to have a group of a few good friends or a way to connect to the cute guy at work that’s not the teacher party where I have to fend off the drunk gym teacher.
7. Sexless Japan
Yuta Aoki, an international Japanese guy who writes about dating in Japan, translates a survey taken on “Sex Statistics in Japan.”
On average, Japanese men in their 20s have sex about 4 to 5 times per month. Japanese women in their 20s have sex about 3 to 4 times a month.
The Sagami survey also concludes, Japan is an outlier when it comes to sexually active people in terms of developed countries. Which leads to the question as to why don’t these couples don’t want to have sex. Their reasons are: their partners don’t want to have sex, too busy or tired, or having children and family members in the house makes it difficult. Another reason they use is mendokusai which means they don’t dislike sex but they have to put too much effort in to do it.
8. Infedility
Referencing the Durex survey again, about 20% of couples cheat. When asked where they met their extra-marital or extra-relational partner, the most popular places are: at work, school, or they started as friends. I feel like cheating is more common than this survey leds on and I wrote about Cheating in Japan if you’d like to hear some stories about my experiences first hand and hearing other people’s.
If you want to cheat that’s cool, but I have a Christian background and old fashioned views. I believe the marriage bed is sacred. Once you say, “I do,” it’s until death do you part. Maybe these “hopeless romantic views” aren’t up to date with 2015, but I still strongly believe in this. Because there is a pressure to work long hours and go out with coworkers, who’s to say that my partner wouldn’t be tempted to cheat on me with an attractive coworker?
9. Japanese guys are terrible kissers and bad in bed
This is just based on my experience, and I’m sure there are wonderful kissers and guys that are great in bed out there. However, I’m not the only one who has said this. Conversing with my girlfriends, we found that Japanese guys have a certain technique of kissing. I feel like it’s usually very slobbery and they move their tongues like they are painting the strokes for kanji. It’s gross. It almost seems like a sport and not very passionate. If any Japanese guy comes across this blog, I offer some great advice for you. Throw out the garbage those sex magazines teach you. A woman will kiss you they way she wants to be kissed. Follow her lead.
Yuta’s book, There’s Something I Want to Tell You: True Stories of Mixed Dating in Japan, discusses the disappointment of two women named Natasha and and Sandra who found their partners unsatisfying in bed. According to Yuta,
As a Japanese man, I can understand the technique-focused aspect. Call us geeky Asians, but a lot of information Japanese men receive about sex is technique. I noticed that a while ago, there was an increasing number of sex-related books in Japanese bookshops. Some were technique-oriented, and some took a more holistic approach, but men seem to be more interested in the technical aspects of sex.
Conclusion
The women who do date and marry Japanese men usually meet under certain circumstances. I find them rather common because I creep AMWF blogs in Asia. The Japanese men usually possess these qualities:
1. An open mind about the world
This is the guy who is interested and curious about what the world has to offer. He wants to know a world outside of Japan and is interested in foreign languages and not just English. This guy is usually pretty good and may or may not have been abroad.
2. The guy who has worked/lived/studied abroad
This coincides with the above. He’s experienced a different way of life outside of Japan. Most people that live in Japan could never imagine marrying someone from a different culture or race. The unknown is scary. While I understand where they are coming from, the differences are not so great they can’t be understood. Both partners have to be willing to compromise. This guy who has been abroad is open to different people. Another common circumstance is these women met their significant other overseas.
3. The guy who had love happen to him
This is the guy was hit by a train. Literally, the train of love. One day he was living his dandy life and then, “Choo choo, mother fucker.” The poor dude never even heard the bells. That wonderful train wreck of a woman turned his life upside down and that was it for the both of them.
I’m sure there are some outliers, but as far as I’ve seen there is no in between. Dating is hard. Dating can be exhausting. Looking or waiting for your partner can be depressing. Just remember. If love is meant to happen to you, it will. Love can be painful and blind, but most people want it because of the euphoria it provides to revel in the love someone has for you. Good luck.
13 Comments on Why is Dating Hard for Foreign Women in Japan?
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Hi Gina,
WGEB (that’s westerngirleasternboy) here!^^ I’m really excited to read more of your blog, but I haven’t even had time to respond to your comment on my blog yet! I will do so in good time as long as work and studying don’t keep getting in the way. But, I just wanted to say a few things here first (okay, maybe more than a few things) by way of comment AND correction! š
I certainly mentioned girls and women who failed at dating in Japan but only as a small part of a larger critique on what foreigners should expect abroad and how they should react to being a minority, even if they never have been before. It’s our job to try harder in a place where we may or may not belong, and being negative never helps! As individuals abroad we need to be understanding of (if not always appreciative of) the hardships we face due to differences in culture, history, society, and even politics. As individuals in general, it’s also our job to find other individuals (of any and all races) like us and who will not only like us but understand and accept and love us no matter what “society” says or tries to make us think.
Is YT a good place to vent about these hardships I mention? Yes! But at the risk of sounding whiny to people like me! More specifically, what bothered me about one girl was that she was surprised when Japanese men were attracted to her, as if we’re not all human beings at the end of the day. What bothered me about another girl is that she allowed one bad experience with a Japanese man to reflect on Japanese men and Japan as a whole– thus fleeing the country angrily and hatefully and yes, taking to YT to let everyone know all about it.
In addition, I like anime (not a fan of manga although I chose to read Death Note instead of watch it for artistic reasons), but I certainly don’t love them (except Yu Yu Hakusho)! I also don’t know enough about them to let them cloud my judgment when it comes to Japanese boys and men OR Japan, and even if I did know more about them I wouldn’t. I always tell girls and women not to let South Korean media (Kpop and Kdramas) cloud their judgment as well. Hence, why I want to go to Japan and find out for myself in the first place! So, you make a great point about that even if it doesn’t necessarily apply to me!
I am, however, in love with Japanese ghost stories and samurai along some of the history/people from the Edo period and some poetry and even rappers (Kohh and Loota) as well. I am also familiar with much of what you talk about, and I mention this in my P.S.: “To be honest (and fair), foreigners living in Japan seem to struggle more, and I have a hunch that it might be because Japan is actually more xenophobic than South Korea.”
I’ve met enough Japanese people and spoken with enough of my friends who lived and worked and also failed at love in Japan to know that it’s difficult to cross certain barriers with Japanese people. Not just due to being “gaijin” but also due to Japan’s own social structure. I don’t know what it will be like for me, and I really don’t care if I ever date or fall in love with Japanese boys or men (Korean boys and men are a handful as it is when it comes to our own barriers, and I still don’t speak Japanese!), but I do hope to get to SEE more of Japan and Japanese people.
So, from one fellow blogger to another, I hope you can get to know both me and my article more through these (hopefully not too tedious) explanations and perhaps even make a few corrections just to let your readers know who I am and what I write more faithfully! Either way, this was an insightful read and helped me learn more about Japan– just a great article and a great read! More, please– oh wait, I actually have a lot of catching up to do first! <3
Hey lady! Thanks for commenting back. I actually spent a couple hours reading your blog because I found it so interesting. From one expat girl who’s been living in Japan three years to another future expat of Japan, I have some advice. Despite how you prepare yourself for Japan, you will never really be ready for Japan until you experience and learn for yourself.
As for YouTube, I think the girl you mentioned was surprised because it’s really uncommon for a Japanese guy to pursue you. The fact he showed his attraction was probably enough to knock her off her chair. I don’t even see Japanese men showing attraction to Japanese women, and believe me when I tell you, I’ve spent a lot of time trolling American Village (which despite the name is not what it is), at teacher parties, and with Japanese people to figure that out for myself. They show attraction in very subtle, almost unnoticeable ways.
From reading blogs, being a part of the J-Vlog and J-Blog community, I seem to find more fails at love for men and women.
As for speaking Japanese, it’s beneficial to learn basic communication and work from there to understand how Japanese language and society is structured. Or find someone with a great command of English to help you work through the kinks.
By the way, I love Yu Yu Hakusho too. The storyline was great and I was a huge fan of Yusuke and Kuwabara back in middle school. I own all the movies and episodes because I was that big of a fan back in the day. Although, I have heard a few tales of some Yusuke characters on mainland Japan.
I loved your blog and how insightful it was. I hope you can get to know me through my blog too. Although, from what I read, dating is much easier in Korea as compared to Japan. Maybe you’ll have better luck than me!
Well, “Despite how you prepare yourself for Japan, you will never really be ready for Japan until you experience and learn for yourself.”
Sounds like South Korea! I try to prepare my friends through my blog, but everyone tends to make the same mistakes when they go! Humans… SMH. LOL Just kidding. š So, when I go to Japan, I’m sure I’ll just have to start all over. It’s definitely not going to be like SK.
And I am just glad to find someone who is offering a similar perspective in Japan– personal and insightful, but I doubt I will be any better or worse off in Japan than anyone else. I will definitely read more of your blog once my exam is over tomorrow. Can’t wait to get back to my life… haha Study-free.
I think you can take some of the things you learned in South Korea and apply them in Japan.
Hahaha.
Yeah. As humans we’re probably all super hard headed! We never learn unless we touch the fire and burn ourselves. Must be an evolutionary nitch we still haven’t quite worked out. š hahaha
I think you’ll have to start all over language and culture wise in some aspects but I’m learning Korean and the grammatical structure is quite similar to Korean. If you can speak Korean well, you’ll have no problem with Japanese. Except for kanji. Kanji is everyone’s worst nightmare.
Thanks for reading so much of my blog! I’m glad I can help someone else! If you have any questions, I’ll be happy to answer best I can. Also, I’m doing a blog post that should be up on Monday, covering xenophobia, racism, discrimination, and LGBTQ. They’re pretty hard topics, and I will probably get some backlash. I hope you can give it a read!
Ok, hold up. Have you even READ Ouran High School Host Club??? It’s not about a waify feminine girl meeting a tall assertive boy. It’s about a strong-willed, smart, stubborn girl who ends up dressing in a non-overtly-feminine way at her new school, is mistaken for a boy, and is drawn into a ridiculous “host club” made by and for rich people. She remains uncomfortable with overt femininity throughout the series and is basically a tomboy. There are many guys who could be her love interest; the one at the end is decidedly more feminine and flighty and silly than she is. If you’re looking for an example of weak-female-strong-male shoujo, Ouran is NOT your series.
My Japanese boyfriend is type 3, “Hit by the Tori Train of Love!” He’s never been outside of Japan and can’t speak a word of English. We met on a Japanese dating site, just two lonely souls in the world~~ Haha okay, now I’m being corny. He never expected to date a foreigner. I don’t think he’d ever even had a one-on-one conversation with one before we met. But he’s a very gentle and open-minded person and didn’t let the odds get in our way. I have no complaints with his kissing technique. I was a bit surprised at first that when we first got together he didn’t seem to know how to kiss ‘normally,’ he only ever did french kissing, including our first kiss and simple goodbye kisses. Now that we’ve been dating for a while he’s gotten used to both tongue and no-tongue kissing though.
Hahahaha. What a lucky guy to get hit by the Tori train of love! š Sometimes love just happens. Did you speak Japanese before you met him? I’m glad he’s such a gentle soul and open-minded. Have you both made compromises and sacrifices for your relationship?
I’ve actually kissed some Japanese guys too and I’m always surprised they want to French kiss and not kiss on the lips! I’m not the only one who has complained about bad kissing. I guess it’s just a different kissing technique in Japan? Maybe that’s why Japanese girls are so shy to kiss? There’s gonna be a little tongue involved. š
“we found that Japanese guys have a certain technique of kissing. I feel like itās usually very slobbery and they move their tongues like they are painting the strokes for kanji.”
You are talking about JAV, right? It’s one of routine acts in JAV. This way of kissing rarely happens in real life.
I love your article! It is very accurate! I have pretty much experienced everything you mentioned in the article. Before I went to Tokyo, I thought Japanese guys are just the typical Asian guys who are loyal, honest, hardworking and respectful. Don’t get me wrong. Some of them are that type, but majority of the Japanese men who approched me are mainly players or losers. And you are absolutely right. Some Japanese men definitely have a thing for white girls from America or Europe. For them, holding hands or dating with a white girl is a “status up”. Majority of the Japanese guys who go for foreign girls have zero intention to marry that girl or even date girl. They just wanna a unique experience and curious what you look like nude. It is absolutely disgusting. I did not enjoy the dating experience in Japan.
Anyway love your article.
Thanks so much for sharing your experience with me! It takes a lot of courage to do so! Like you, I also disliked dating in Japan. It was really hard to meet good guys so I just gave up… Then I met my bf. The irony of it was I never really got hit on until I went back to Osaka, Japan last year.
I recently ended my engagement with a Japanese guy. He was a nice guy, but our personalities were just too damn different. However, I gotta set the record straight – he was absolutely fantastic in bed. That was one of the biggest reasons why I was sad to end our engagement. He was a short, scrawny, nerdy looking guy who was very well-endowed and knew how to use it. True, he was a terrible kisser, but his skills in bed more than made up for it.
Hi there,
I just want to write that I might be one of the very few, it seems like reading your comments, to be really happy with my Japanese boyfriend. We have been living together for about five years now, about to tight the knot very soon.
I disagree with the whole bad dating experience in Japan, maybe…I was jus very lucky…or I don’t know.
and totally disagree with the players, losers thing dating white girls.
I noticed that people are just people when it comes to feelings, life and being Japanese if you are really committed to someone who cares about you does not change a single thing. Actually, there is more to it, there are benefits in being with a Japanese guy.
I find them reliable, solid, very good life partners.
They might be missing the passionate, latino, macho thing. But who really cares, if by the end of day, they are very reliable beings?
I am sorry to hear about such bad reviews. In the end, it all depends on the person you find.
I think the best advise is to stop being discouraged, or looking desperately for a hook up, or being dissatisfied by kissing or bed experiences. It does not mean you need to give up those pleasures, but focusing too much on whom is going to do the first move, or kiss, or that…
its bad for menta health.
Its interesting how majority of complaints come from American woman.
so, women cheer up!
Hi.I don’t have time to write and read msj. I work every day and care my sweet boy my children.
But i will like to tell everyone something . i stay in Japan long time i have almost 15years i have 3 experience with japanese man and is enough! But i have an extraordinary good, kind and smart son (5year old)my son is japanese and i m romanian and I live alone in Japan Yokohama with my son and care about him with good education and a lot of love!
Japanese people almost don’t know about love and don’t know how to love! And the japanese education is wrong and too bad, only robot.
Almost japanese women and man make children and don’t give good education and love! They make sweet children in robot !
I love Japan very much but people don’t have enough love! Almost are robot because don’t have good education and enough love!
And also doctors are rasist and bad education and don’t learn enough and are to low level.
The medicine and doctors is to bad and low level in Japan that is to sad.
Only 1~10%Japanese people is ok …
I hope to everyone good luck and happiness.