For many expat women, dating in Japan is a nightmare. Western women have difficulty adjusting to Japanese beauty standards and new dating rules. Sometimes our doofy expat brothers manage to score Japanese Barbie while us expat sisters are drinking copious amounts of booze, taking up a new hobby or stuck at home on a Saturday night watching reruns of our favorite K-Drama. (I’m so guilty of binge watching Secret Garden.)
One of my struggles with dating overseas is the feeling of unattractiveness living in Japan. I’m your average woman with curly brown hair, tan skin, and a nice smile. After six months of living here, I had to quickly re-evaluate the quality of my life.
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While tan skin is attractive on the western side of the globe, white skin is revered and sought after in Asia. Gina 0, Japan 1.
The fact I’m taller and stockier than most men and women also counts against me. Gina 0, Japan 2.
I go and talk to the cute boy at the bar and he flips his shit because he can’t speak English? Gina 0, Japan 3.
No problem, I’ll speak my awful, broken Japanese. At least I’m trying, right? Boy still flips his shit because he can’t believe I speak his language. Gina 0, Japan 4.
Oh, you’re a western woman and you have an opinion? You’re confident and you know what you want? While that’s intimidating to some men on the western side, it’s enough to make many Japanese men hit the ground running. Gina 0, Japan 5.
Well… Shit.
As I briefly addressed in Eight Reasons You Should Love Korea Japanese take their time getting to know each other.While I respect taking your time, it’s usually my friends and I starting the dance party at the club and the creepy, wasted Japanese guys attempting to juke but looking like a deranged hoard of mini Godzillas.
Don’t get me wrong. There are the occasional success stories of my expat sisters who manage to “win the lottery” and catch a Japanese boyfriend. Baby, I would shake your hand if I could, but instead, I offer you a cyberspace one. Not all women share my struggle; I’m just giving my personal opinion on the matter.
I base this off two very recent blunders, sending me face first into the brick wall of, “Not so fast, bitch. This is Nihon, not ’MURICA.”
Our first story follows our heroine desperately trying not to fall for the handsome math teacher at school. He teases her by teaching her Japanese she shouldn’t be repeating and speaking to her in Japanese while she’s going through culture shock. At first, his presence is met with a glare until our heroine manages to beat him at his own game. Some muuchi and cleared misunderstandings, the pair becomes close. Coming to terms with her feelings, one day at lunch, she boldly asks, “Do you have a girlfriend?”
He responds, “I have a girlfriend for every day of the week!”
Taking it as a joke, our heroine thinks nothing of it until at the end of the school year she is notified by another teacher he indeed has one and they live together. Can you say dickface?
That doesn’t make me; I mean her, look retarded or anything…
Our second emotional hit comes with our heroine falling madly for a guy at Cross Fit and learning Japanese because she desperately wishes to communicate with him. Said ex object of affection disregards telling her he has a wife and later our heroine finds she’s known his wife the entire time…Only to learn his wife also neglected telling her she was married…
Of course I don’t feel like an idiot. NOT. Deception is not cool. A stupid gag on having multiple girlfriends is not funny and neither is a couple not wearing rings or acknowledging their marriage. Da fack did you get married in the first place then?
Don’t get me wrong, I’m still not deterred from dating Japanese men. After being deceived, I recognize what happened to me can happen all over the world. I get it, but I’m still taking a break, and I still find Japanese men attractive.
I had a conversation with my mom detailing the only way I could date a Japanese man is if my Japanese improves, he has lived abroad or is more open minded, and he can speak some English. I need someone willing to share their feelings and understand I’m different as I will with them. “Winning the lottery” doesn’t seem a close future prospect and I still have plenty to learn. However, I look forward to sharing my experiences with my expat sisters on dating in Japan.
P.S. Some asshole was catfishing others using my photos on Okcupid (particularly this post). Don’t be an asshole and 1) steal my pictures and 2) catfish others. Karma is a bitch and if you steal my photos, I’m sending an extra load of angry viscous, yellow ejaculate karma at you. 🙂
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12 Comments on Gina Bear’s Experience As An Expat Woman Dating in Japan
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you’re right about the white part. all of the expats that i’ve known who’ve had japanese boyfriends were white. i guess being japanese american could also help. keep trying tho! you’re bound to find someone who wants a little color in their life.
I think skin color plays a major roll in having an Asian boyfriend. Needless to say, there are Japanese men who married darker skinned women, but the men who prefer lighter skin is higher.
Therefore, this makes my chances even lower. I can’t change my skin color and I won’t change myself to someone’s standard of beauty. I love myself the way I am and hopefully if I do find a partner who’s Asian, white, etc. he will love me for who I am and not my appearance.
Thanks, Perfect Chaosrei! I’ve given up looking but if it happens, it happens!
Scary!!! But this was a nice study break. After dating someone who is Korean and someone who is Korean-American, I can definitely say I feel closer to the Korean-American even though I love(d) them both. Just… culture and language barriers are really hard to get over, and it’s better when someone can meet you halfway. Good luck love!!! I hope you meet someone special, Japanese or not<3
Thanks, dear! Cheer me on! Koreans use, “Fighting.” Japanese use, “がんばって.” Or Ganbatte! Use it! 😉 it’s a common word you’ll hear in Japan. It means do your best!
Hi!
Just read your post… Man, I have been there. Been there so hard. Hot and lovely Japense man…secret gf/wife/ladything. Whatever. At least you didn`t have someone`s wedding-ring-ed hand up your shirt when things click. Yikes.
I have a Japanese husband, which was like winning the lottery at first, but then getting home and realizing I got the booby prize. But he is my booby prize, and it takes woooooooork of all kinds to sort out Japanese men (and indeed, men in general) to get things going.
Hang in there <3.
Oh Gina you will find someone.
I am Kenyan living in Kenya I had a Japanese boyfriend to my advantage he was a well traveled man, who lived abroad for many years and was open minded.
Though I did break up with him because his communication was not so good despite being a great guy and being long distance didn’t help much perhaps if I was living in Japan I would have been more patient with him. I later tried to reach out to him several times after the break up and he has totally gone mute on me… Oh well I hope he will eventually speak to me.
Anway if its meant to be color, height, race or culture will not matter. So take heart someone will come along.. I mean if I could meet someone from Japan all the way in Kenya what are the odds that you who lives there won’t…:)
Abi, you’re totally right! If you can find someone in Kenya, there must be someone out there. I just haven’t found him yet! Part of the Japanese culture is to avoid confrontation like the plague and that is perhaps why he won’t speak to you? For your sake, I hope he does so you can continue a good friendship! Best of luck to you. <3
Reasonable post, and some ,of the things you touch on affect western men equally, but I have to take exception with your “doofy expat brothers” comment.
Most average-looking western men I’ve met in the 12 years I’ve been in Japan have average-looking Japanese partners. I suspect that if we dug a little deeper we’d discover that you drink from the same well of embittered entitlement that the majority of western (in particular North American) do.
Sometimes the doofus in Japan wins and punches above what you believe should the standard he should be confined to for perpetuity. But mostly not. I’m the living emobodiment of the latter, as are most of the western guys here.
I find it interesting you think of my dating failures as entitlement. The above post was written to be funny and the observations are based on my personal experiences. If you take what I say as Wikipedia.com maybe you should try an encyclopedia? 😉 Living on Okinawa, I saw many of my expat brothers and military friends dating very attractive Japanese and Okinawan women. I did not have luck dating in Japan, and some people, like the average doofus you are, got to the punch with a not so attractive partner. 😉 Congrats on drinking from the well of embittered entitlement on dating in Japan, brohan.
I was googling something totally different when I landed on your page and decided to read it anyway. I thought living in Okinawa you’d meet more open-minded people? I live in rural Japan and the dating is a struggle on another level.. the men are so afraid of speaking to a foreigner let alone speaking to one with intentions of you know, dating. If you try speaking to them, in English or Japanese, it’s like you “spook the prey” and they take off in the other directions. Haha don’t even get me started on Tinder.. the kind of guys you meet there just want to know if you have a big ass. Oh being a black woman in Japan is tough. Dating a Japanese guy is like winning the lottery, it can happen but what are the odds?
I think no matter where you are placed in Japan, the struggle is always real. You would think men in Okinawa would be open minded. While some are, most are not. From my experience, most are actually quite content with finding a cute Japanese girlfriend. Some want to date foreigners but since they aren’t confident in their English, they won’t approach you. If you do approach them, they will definitely say their English is bad. I also think part of the reason is dating works differently in Japan. Good luck dating in the countryside! I hope it works out for you!
Bumbled across your blog and even though this is an old entry, it still holds up because these issues are timeless and your honesty here is really brave. Hope you’ve managed to find some romance!
Funny how life works b/c where I’m from (NYC) you’d def have no shortage of options!