The Dark Side of Dating in Korea

While Kpop and Kdramas may give us this image Korean men come out of a fairytale, I want you all to remember this is just a mirage. These men are professionals who sell a dream to sell records, dramas, and merchandise. It’s all a part of the money making machine that is the entertainment export of Korea. In fact, there is a very dark side of dating in Korea a lot of people don’t really talk about.

Let me put a disclaimer out that not all Korean men are 음식물 쓰레기. I’ve met really kind and wonderful men and also really men that belong in the dumpster. This blog post is to highlight my experiences with dating and the really horrible parts I’ve encountered. I’m writing this so you are all aware of the negative sides and can protect yourselves from it.

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1. Ghosting

While ghosting is an epidemic that has infected this generation of dating like the bubonic plague, in my opinion, Koreans have taken ghosting to an entirely new level. Let me give you an example of the way ghosting works.

You’re chatting with a guy you like and you make plans for the weekend. Saturday afternoon rolls around and you text to confirm plans and no answer. It starts nearing the meet up time and you text again. You call, you go back on Tinder and…nothing. Congratulations, you’ve been ghosted.

This has a lot to do with the Korean culture of “saving face” which means not causing anyone any embarrassment. If guys just aren’t into you, they won’t say anything and just block or ghost you.

2. Cheating

One of the most terrible things I’ve come across in Korea is cheating. I actually find it super ironic that when a couple is newly in love they’ll have couple rings, do couple clothes, and be all over each other to show everyone this is their person.

Perhaps, due many Korean men treating their spouse like their maid and mother, the spark eventually fades. I’ve come across so many cheaters on all dating platforms. Whatever the case is, the mindset of, “He/she will eventually cheat in the marriage” appalls me.

I’ve been in situations where guys admitted they wanted to cheat on their girlfriends. There’s a lot that goes into the psychology of cheaters, but I roll my eyes every time I encounter one of those jerks.

3. Slut Shaming

Unfortunately, women get slut shamed everywhere. However, many Korean men think women who have slept with many partners are dirty. I’ve heard the term mop (which is a term to describe a promiscuous woman in a derogatory way) used even on middle school girls where I taught.

This is one of the most depressing things because if something happens to a girl, it is her fault and she is to blame…

From a young age, women are taught they need to control themselves because men can’t. We’re echoing 1950s America here. More than half of Korean men believe revealing clothing leads to rape.

It’s backward how many men think short skirts and exposed bra straps lead to rape. Women are encouraged to cover up instead of punishing the men who take up-skirt photos. It blows my damn mind. The Korean government encourages women’s bodies for soft power, nationalist, and military purposes, but discourage it when it’s for her own accord.

Basically, if you don’t look and act like you’re pure and virginal transcending into heaven (and even if you are), it’s your fault if you get assaulted or raped…

4. Divorce is Taboo

A quick search on the divorce rate in Korea will let you know that it’s pretty low. In 2018, the number of marriages in Korea decreased by 2.6% from 2017. The average marital age is 33 for men and 30 for women.

The highest divorce rates were among men in their forties at 8.6% per 1000 people. In addition, the data also shows divorces are typical for couples married over 15.6 years. If you’d like to see more, click here for the PDF.

When Koreans get divorced, it’s pretty hush- hush. No one knows about the divorce until they’re receiving invitations in the mail because they’re remarrying. True story of my life because this happened to me with the lady who does my eyelashes.

5. Poor Sex Education

In a country where talking about sex is enough to make a grown man or woman go red in the face and die of embarrassment… Houston, we have a catastrophic problem.

When students go through sex education in Korea, the guidelines taught are sexist and misogynistic. According to the Guardian the guidelines read as, “For men who spend a lot of money on dates, it is natural he would want to be compensated for the money spent. In such cases, unwanted date rape can occur.”

So, you’re telling me it’s okay for women to get raped on dates because a man spends money? Da fuq?

After all, the easy answer is to teach men not to rape.

This is just my opinion, but I believe Korean men are taught not to wear condoms. (I get the propaganda since South Korea has one of the lowest birth rates in the world.) I feel like the sex educators are like, “Do your duty as a man! Get your women pregnant and make more little Koreans!”

I have had experiences where I’ve been intimate with a Korean man and he said, “I don’t like condoms.” When I insist they must, I always get the, “I can’t get hard if I do.” or “It doesn’t feel as good.” The entitlement and blatant disregard for my health, their own, and irresponsibility blows my damn mind.

Unfortunately, I have been stealthed before. This is the practice where the man removes the condom without consent. And you know what? It’s not illegal and the police don’t care.

Many Korean men don’t get checked for STDs regularly. They inspect their junk and if nothing seems off, then they think they’re fine… I honestly have no more words at this point.

6. Abortions are Difficult to Get

Thankfully South Korea is making more progressive strides and abortion just became legal. This means if a woman chooses to end her pregnancy, it is now much easier to go to a physician and have a safe abortion instead of doing it on the down low or in a bad situation.

After all, the stigma of being a single or divorced mother here is one of the worst. Which is why I’m glad that abortion became legal because most men these days are opting out of the responsibility of becoming a father.

7. Dating Apps Are Viewed Negatively

Many Koreans believe you should meet someone you want to date in person. Dating apps are used for sex. Both men and women hide their faces on apps because it is considered shameful. I don’t understand why because millennials literally have the least amount of time to meet people.

I’d also like to mention that if a man on Tinder says that he wants an FWB, he’s not really looking for one. He just wants a one night stand and then he will block you later. So I can definitely see where this stigma comes from…

8. Sexual and Physical Assault

Because so many people around the world only see Korea’s squeaky clean image, you don’t get a grasp of the seedy underbelly… There are very weak laws in place to protect Korea’s women and children. Domestic violence cases are seen as a “family matter” and most police will not act.

Based on a survey done on 2,000 Korean men, 1,593 had said they physically or mentally abused their girlfriends while dating. 71% of those men also admitted controlling their girlfriend’s interactions with friends and family by restricting their access to them. Many also claimed they left bruises or small scars on their girlfriends. If that ain’t messed up, I don’t know what is.

Having lived here for awhile, I’ve heard stories of partners who have killed their girlfriend’s pets by throwing them out the window in a fit of rage and to maintain control over them.

A Korean man was arrested after a video of him beating his Vietnamese wife went viral. When the Korean public discovered this, they were horrified. Which blows my mind because as an expat I’ve seen story after story of abused women needing help to get out of their marriages.

I think Korea should pass legislation for harsher punishments on people who abuse or sexually assault women. Take for example a recent case where a 34 year old man liquored up a 10 year old girl and raped her. The court reduced his sentence because the young lady couldn’t prove she “resisted enough.” Of course this sparked outrage in the country as he will only be serving three years for his crime.

In my opinion, Korea needs to do better with protecting their women and children. They are the future of this country and without women having children, the birthrate will continue to fall.

9. Molka

Korea has a huge problem with molka. This is a spy cam pornography. I believe this is an issue because porn is illegal in South Korea. Men will use hidden cameras in public restrooms, hotel rooms, and changing rooms. Because of this, the sales of spycam detectors has shot through the roof. In my personal opinion, if Korea would make porn legal, a lot of this problem would go away, but I digress.

There’s so many sites run by men doing this (with not many repercussions) and when a woman takes a photo of a nude model from her art class and uploads it, she gets jail time? I’m side eyeing you so damn hard, Korea.

10. Revenge Porn

This is one of the scariest aspects of dating in Korea. Many boyfriends secretly film themselves having sex with their girlfriends. A lot of these women don’t know and when the relationship goes downhill or ends, these men either blackmail them or they post it on the internet.

Since this is shameful for most women, they never press charges against the man who did it to them. Because of the stigma women should not be having sex before marriage in Korea, this keeps the victims in silence.

I can understand their feelings and why they do this because I understand Korean culture. However, if this were me, I would be up in arms ready to take down the horrible human being who thought it would be funny to put my sex tape on the internet without paying me. Shit, I think I’d enjoy the huge payday from my ex in damages for my sex tape.

In Conclusion

I went to an extra class provided by my KIIP courses where police officers came in. They talked about how perpetrators of up skirting use their phones or bags to get footage of men. They also reiterated how the police in Korea are very kind and they will do everything in their power to help you. The police officers who came said they are kind and want to help the victims.

I definitely believe this because I’ve had two prior experiences with them. I had my phone stolen in Hanam City. The perpetrator was punished.

Again, I would like to add that not all Korean men are horrible. There are good and kind men out there who have a good head on their shoulders. They also think most everything (apart from ghosting) is pretty foul.

This post contains affiliate links which means at no additional cost to you, I make a small commission to help keep Gina Bear’s Blog running. Thanks for your support!

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